Recommended Reading

It's been awhile since I ramble bambled here. I have been inspired to write more because of a book I recently read. Here's a little sneak peek from the Amazon write up, "I am stockpiling antibiotics for the Apocalypse, even as I await the blossoming of paperwhites on the windowsill in the kitchen," Anne Lamott admits at the beginning of Almost Everything. Despair and uncertainty surround us: in the news, in our families, and in ourselves. But even when life is at its bleakest--when we are, as she puts it, "doomed, stunned, exhausted, and over-caffeinated"--the seeds of rejuvenation are at hand.

There are many points to ponder; she shares one from Wendell Berry: "Be joyful, though you have considered all the facts." Yes!

Truth is, I wasn't planning on reading the book. Since I work part time at a library (more on this wonderful life altering adventure in another blog) I meet my share of books. I'm usually a fiction girl but something about the title and the back cover caught my eye while I was checking it in. While the book contains many noteworthy nuggets that I am still processing (I just ordered myself my own copy) I was inspired by the section on writing which has nothing to do with becoming famous. It's more about sharing stories. I thought it might be time to share one of mine.

It's not the first time a book has fallen from the sky. (Bear with me as I make a super long story not so long.) In my junior year of college, when I was home for winter break, I was asked why I went to church and when the last time was that I read the Bible. The questions were not accusatory; more conversational. Since I considered myself somewhat Christian-ish, I didn't like the answers I gave. On the way up to bed that night, I grabbed the family Bible. I figured it couldn't hurt to crack it open. Most would end up halfway, somewhere in Psalms but since I more or less fanned the pages and randomly stopped, I ended up somewhere in Romans, chapter 14 to be exact and I thought that was very cool because 14 is my favorite number.

I began to read, "14 Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand."

Yes, it all sounded good to me. I was feeling my faith was weak and now I was encouraged that God would help me. Whew! I said a little, "Thank you, God" prayer and went to bed.

I will never be able to explain what happened next. For lack of better words, I woke up out of sound sleep and totally felt the presence of God. My whole body was alive beyond what I can describe. I know there are people out there who will say it was a panic attack or some other physiological explanation. All I can tell you is that I wasn't panicked. I was in awe and completely aware of the existence of another realm beyond the ordinary. Okay, maybe I was a little freaked out. I remember asking God, you know the one who controls the universe, for a favor, which is so funny to me, "whatever you are doing, can you just do it slowly, step by step?" I was in and out of sleep, praying the same prayer for the rest of the night. I woke up the next morning with the idea that maybe it was time to decide for myself what I believed. Did I believe in Christianity because my parents told me to, or because I really believed? What would I believe if I was born in India, China or Afghanistan or anywhere else?

I went back to school to start the spring semester. (SUNY Geneseo #goknights I walked into my AmericanLiterature (AMLIT300) class which was smaller and filled with English majors like myself (about 30 students) and sat down. Our professor proceeded to take out a grocery bag filled with books from her personal collection and literally just tossed a copy of whatever on each of our desks. No rhyme or reason; no one had the same book. The title of my book was called, "The Gates Ajar." I secretly rejoiced that it was a small book with less than 200 pages. What was it about you may ask? It was about a young girl who lost her brother in the Civil War and was experiencing a crisis of faith. Long story short, Mary's Aunt Winnie comes to visit and to help her process her grief. She advises Mary to be honest about her unbelief and she shares her own journey having lost a husband in the war. ( #thegatesajar ) Her thoughts on faith and heaven are wild, considering the hell and brimstone time she lived in.

What? Are you kidding me? I watched the professor, at a public college no less, toss the books without even looking into the bag. How does this one end up on my desk? Okay, God. You've got my attention. The next time I went to church, I stood up when it was time, grabbed the pew, and decided to tell the truth to God that I wasn't really sure I believed or what I believed. I remember in a split second two thoughts jumped into my mind: one was that if this God was as powerful as they say, He could send a rumble of thunder down and the church would crumble to the ground and the second thought was, if He didn't really exist, then I was just talking to myself, which I do all the time. Risking the lives of those around me, I simply prayed, just like Aunt Winnie said, and apparently the Bible too, "Help my unbelief." (Yes, I bought myself a copy of this book too; of course it's back in print just when I need it to be!)

All, I can tell you is from that day forward, my journey of faith has been a slow, take it step by step journey, just as I asked for all those years ago. My path to authentic faith did not include hitting rock bottom, a crisis or insurmountable series of events. God meets people in ALL circumstances including the everyday-not-much-is-going-on circumstances where He met me. My faith is not a crutch, as many have suggested to me over the years, that I use to help me cope with life and all its craziness. Faith, I am learning, fuels my soul. It's the strength and peace in my resolve, the joy I can manage to find even in challenging times, the wisdom in my thoughts, the love and grace I find amazing, and the hope I remain anchored to, even after I consider all the facts. #thejourneycontinues I truly believe that the here and now isn't all there is.

I don't know where you are or what you believe, if anything. (We can still be friends. #loveeveryonenoexceptions ) I do know that God is the God of unbelief too and that He knows exaclty where you're at, so He won't have a problem meeting you in the moment.

Who knows? Right now, He could be trying to get your attention. Let me know how it goes! I'd love to hear your stories too!