Dresscapades

I'm not sure if it's ever happened to you before but if you've gotten trapped in a dress while trying it on, the struggle is real, especially if you're at a store by yourself and you start to believe: "this is how it all ends, here's where they will find me when I meet my Maker."

First, let me start by saying that I am so honored and excited to be attending three weddings this year. Honestly, I do love getting "gussied up" as my dear husband loves to say. The hunt for the dress, however, is what does me in. This time I had all my measurements ready, I double checked them with the measurements listed on the screen and ordered it from Macy's to try on at home. #bettersafethansorry I get the dress and it's gorgeous. The zipper gives me reason to pause as it doesn't seem to go down as far as my hips want it to. Using deductive reasoning, I decide it must go over my head and it all starts out okay until I realize my girls #boobs are not going to make the necessary clearance. I decide to abort the mission and pull it back off, only I can't because I am stucker than stuck. So I don't even waste any time. I have been down this road before so I just scream, "Bob, you married Lucy, please save me from this dress." As you might have surmised, he was successful. Crisis averted. I have lived to see another day and I am back at the hunt.

Second, let me just say to all the girls out there with beautiful figures, who try on dresses and barely need an alteration: Good for you! I mean that sincerely. I, however, am not you. Plunging neckline? My girls wander as it is- I can't be responsible for providing another escape route. Front slit up to my stretch marks? No, thank you. Trumpet? Mermaid? I just need a dress to twirl in. I have been advised that a column dress with a back slit might work to add a slimming touch and still allow me to dance; I am literally afraid I might fall over anyway. #iykyk I have done all the research for a 58 year old, post menopausal big boob, 5ft 2 in girl. Necklines, silhouettes, material, oh my. The one shoulder dresses that are supposed to draw attention to my neck make me feel like Wilma Flintstone. Square neck? The girls have protested by popping out.

Finally, I am completely aware that in the end, it's the weddings and marriages that matter. The people who are tying these forever knots are beautiful souls that would not care if I wore a pink polka dotted jumpsuit-- they might secretly assign me to a different table but they wouldn't throw me out. It's also not lost, that I live in country that allows me to choose what I want to wear. We can never take the freedoms we have for granted when there are so many women in the world that have no choices.

The hunt continues. I will find something as I have enlisted the help of some consultants who are very near and dear to me. Until then, if you hear a scream from the dressing room next door, it's probably me. #imtheproblemitsme Please save me from myself.